2010..what's up?

Christmas was over, and wasn't too crazy, thank goodness. I managed to enjoy myself at the inlaws and not gorge myself too much. I felt different this year, because I was able to maintain some of my goals to stay healthy and happy at a time when there is so much gluttony and sadness all around. It is a very emotional time that I want to redefine in my adult life. I want this time of year to be about loving family and friends and enjoying company rather than seeing how much money and food and drink can be consumed in a 48 hour period.
As Christmas moves away for yet another year, I want to focus on becoming the person I think I am. I love to do vision boards to help me with this. Another good way of defining my year is to write out 100 things about you;who you are, what you want to do, how you want to be....
I found that my vision boards came out surprisingly on point, and the things that did not appear were due largely to my self-imposed limitations.
I think overall, I would like to be more generous of my time- to volunteer more time for causes I believe in. To be more authentically charitable. To find what I am passionate about and fight for it.
I feel that the work I do has become more authentic the more I let go and give of myself in the moment. I still can't help but wonder what more I could be doing because I work with children of privilege....Perhaps becoming more political about education is a way to go- or to return to education for furthering my career and clearly defining my interests.

Christmas is Coming...the goose is getting fat!

I could put a penny in the old man's hat...for all the times that I fail to make healthy choices during the holidays.

Please, please, please- I say to myself every year that I won't go overboard when I go to relative's houses and eat dinner. Luckily, I feel very determined this year. I am simply fed up of being, well fat. All things considered, I am pretty fit, but my weight is not at all what I want it to be.
It is frustrating, expensive and not to mention embarrassing when you work out like a crazy person and don't have the body to show for it. I know that this is solely due to my eating habits. I treat food like a long time friend. I have way too much emotional attachment to it- among other things. I need to crack this once and for all. My life deserves it, my loved ones deserve it..Dammit I deserve it!
I vow to eat clean this holiday. No way around it. I vow to let go of my addictions to yeast, sugar and dairy. I vow not to use food as a way to feel better when things seem tough. I am so much more than these reactions. I am so much stronger- so freaking strong, and I know that I can do this.

It is going to hurt a little. I am ready for it...bring it on!

The true spirit

I would like to think of myself as a generous person. Generous of my time and energy; in work, friendships, commitment to new things. But how generous am I really? Not very. I mean, I used to be, but as I came into the adult work lifestyle out of college, my reality overcame my ideals. Ideals of charity and social good. Political awareness and action. Standing by my convictions. Admitted, things are a bit of a fog these days. I am so lost in the daily grind and my own selfish needs that I do not listen to that part of me any more. I also don't really see things...poverty, suffering..I can get caught up in my life.

However, I do not like false kindness and seasonal charity. Even more than this, I want to slap people who think that they have a right to tell others how to live their life, even though they are the most selfish, self-absorbed, non-charitable people that I know. There is a saying that goes something like " people who quarrel and fight have the most to fear.Well something like that.

Christmas?

Sometimes I really wish that I could opt out of Christmas. I just find the whole thing kinda forced and artificial. I have a love/hate thing with it. I love to buy presents for others or spend times with friends. I don't love the crowds, the greed, the unrealistic expectations that family will somehow be closer than ever. Also, the fact that some people only show charity and kindness during this time of year- why not all the time? I love to surprise people for no reason in the middle of the year or have people over with no particular purpose but to simply be together.

Chrismakus

I wish I could make up a holiday where it was against my beliefs to shop and eat and do all the crazy things that seem to come this time of year. I want to rewrite the way I celebrate. Of course, this is probably easy for me because we don't have kids yet. I mean, our biggest debate this afternoon was whether or not to buy a tree- Kevin has already bought me my gift, and my gift to him will be picked up by the end of this week. Aside from that, it seems that things get simpler in our own personal celebrations. It gets a bit more complicated outside of the two of us.

Both families want us at their place for Christmas, and neither of us are very enthusiastic about consuming a weeks worth of calories on one day. It seems that you cannot leave your house without being bombarded with Christmas music, stressed out people, and images and ideas of what "celebrations" should look like. It is a load of crap- of course, I may just be a bit more cynical than usual this year.

Ever since I was a little girl, I didn't like Christmas. I wanted something more meaningful, but not necessarily religious in nature. Today, my idea of a great Christmas would be to go away or hole up in a cottage somewhere and enjoy reading, painting, nature, and those I love. Is this too much to ask? Hoping that this someday comes true.

Thank you end of the week!

This week has been rough. I ate enough chocolate to last me a couple of years, and was really down. I don't know what came first. This happens every year at this time. I have so much to do, so many expectations placed on me by family and work, I don't take time for myself. Finally this year, I cracked- I threw out the junk, I went to the gym and had the spin of the century with some guy just off a plane from military duty in Afghanistan. He was a big hunk of ripped, mean man candy.

I am all about making my muscles scream- sadistic? Maybe in some circles. I need that fix. No matter how tired and down or stressed I feel, a workout always seems to solve it all.

I really want to redefine the holidays with my family. So often it is about eating. This year I suggested going skiing- I was shocked when they agreed! We are not having junk in the house. I am just enjoying time with family, and saying no to the constant pressure to sit and eat for several days straight.

This week I want to go with the flow- easier said than done. It is the single most busy week of the school year. There are concerts, dinner, parties, p/t meetings, not to mention hyper excited children! I want to make this week my week of simplifying my diet, exercising whenever I can, and commit to give myself time to breathe.

Unfaithful

Why am I so committed in my public and professional life? I have a strong sense of responsibility and use integrity in the choices I make and actions I use, and yet- I am so unfaithful? I am so unfaithful to myself. My goals, desires and dreams often take a back seat to everyone else...and I don't even have kids yet!

I promise time and time again that I will use the right actions to nurture my lifestyle and body and yet I neglect myself over anonymous people's needs. How old do I need to be to learn that this is not healthy?

Finished Day one of p/t interviews and feel a strong need to continue my learning. I am interested in learning about the shifts in education in the past 10 years; trends, issues, methods....I feel a postgrad coming on! oh oh...this only spells money, money, money!

One thing that I have learned- children are different now. They are sophisticated and complex, and yet all their worldliness is still filtered through a child's eye. It is simply very complicated to address the modern child from a teaching perspective. Timing is everything, but so is content. Children want the point fast and relevant. At the same time, they are truly joyful when they have the room to linger over their work and enjoy the process unfettered by adult schedules and expectations. I think it is kinda hard to be a child in the world today.

I 'm tired, but don't want to end my day with wine and chocolate- again...ugh...

Day One Comes Over and Over Again

So I started blogging over 5 years ago, but my last blog got lost in the ether. Why blog?That was the problem I had then. I saw it as a self-centered, navel gazing activity with no purpose. Now I see differently, or maybe I just need the medium more than I did then.

My blog is about me- but I would like to see it as a self-reflective, journalistic exercise that is not necessarily meant for anyone but me. My main focus is health- this is a real focus for me right now, and has been a constant struggle to find throughout my life.

For the last 5 years I have enjoyed a more active life than in all my childhood and adolescent years combined and I love it! Love it! It is like church for me. My problem, my last frontier is to make the full change- healthy eating, healthy living space, healthy mind and of course, a healthy spirit. My motivations are to live a truthful life, and not try to be something for another person, but also to "clean shop" before the inevitable baby times....

I found Crossfit to fit the bill of my new lifestyle but after just under a year, I feel very new and uncoordinated, and well, not athletic at all. It challenges my physical as well as mental strength, and has led to interesting thoughts open larger questions, like what am I really doing of value? Am I staying true to my word?

So my goals from this day on are to :
Make the final leap into a completely healthy lifestyle, even if it means I lose a few people on the way.
Learn to value my efforts as real, but also be accountable and responsible for how I live my life
Use this as a journal of my thoughts, Ideas and findings on various topics