Easter Escapades-Just say no to Mock- Chocolate.

I always wonder why we do it...Because it is family....As I try to clean up my life, my relationships, my body and home, I am noticing that so much surrounding holidays and family get together s involves so many unhealthy habits. I want to rewrite how I spend time with my family during holidays....

First problem- I drove 800 km this weekend to see family for 8 hours....The stress and pain that came from that much driving (my back is killing me) really made me wonder the value of this act.

Second problem- the minute I get in the door- Easter bread and chocolates are offered. In my family it is considered an insult not to eat it. I didn't take it, and this makes family feel that I "don't love them".....This is a whole other topic.

Third problem- Going out with the in-laws to eat an Easter brunch. How come that every time there is a holiday brunch it involves so many unhealthy options....Not to mention it promotes overeating....There was a "carb table of hell" that was totally inedible in my opinion. There were no options that were not laden in fat, sugar, carbs....Basically I could only eat some cut up veggies and beef.

The most interesting realization that I came to is that it is o.k. to say no...It may feel uncomfortable for a moment, but people get used to it and the focus will go on to something new. Another thing that I concluded is that I love how I feel when I am eating healthy..I am actually craving this, even at times of celebration and relaxation- when I used to see these times as an excuse to eat crap.

Which way should I go?

I wrote that title as if I haven't decided, but I have already started on a different path. For me, it is very much about making up my mind to the core of who I am. But first I need to dissect some of my usual mind games. I could sum it up in two images- although not limited to this, it gives a pretty clear view of how I process various decisions.

On one side, there is the jolly-fuzzy-bunny who will be a great person to be around, but isn't particularly challenging or good for me. I see it as "the easy road". Everybody likes this person, but secretly, in my private moments, I am deeply disappointed with her. She doesn't take risks. She always chooses the comfortable road. She is stuck- cute and fuzzy-but stuck.

On the other side- there is She-ra-princess-of-power-inner-tiger-lady...I love this woman. She is intense though. I am not sure if she were fully realized that many people, including myself, could deal with her on a daily basis. She has a lot of aggression and strength. She can be a little bitchy...She is not always kind, but usually fights for anyone she sees as the underdog. This is not the prettiest side of my inner self, but it is my favorite. I truly want to explore this side because I think that "fuzzy-bunny" is often a mask for my true feelings.

Staying Motivated

So I have been going at this health change/renewal of self since late January.(how typical) One thing that I find is that some days are much, much harder than others. I have sought support in others, looked for unusual activities, articles, recipes to keep me interested. The real test comes on blah weekdays like this when I am verging on letting go, but know that I need to dig harder to find motivation to continue a healthy lifestyle.
A large part of my problem lies in negative thinking. When I make my mind up to do something it usually means that I am going to see it through, good or bad.
How do I continue on this journey? By digging harder to get past this feeling.
I am going to do some goal setting, and find some new points of focus. That is the point to be in the moment of a workout, but also to balance it with rest and good nutrition...and trust. Trust that with consistency, Right Mindset, Nutrition, Training and REST that it will all come together.....oh, and to stop hoping and just "act as if" I am already there!

Live Life Like the kid you were, not the adult you are....

It sounds cliche, but it is true that "all you know you learn in kindergarten". In working with children I see strong personality traits develop early on. Some developmental theorists state that the large majority of our social self develops in early childhood. I often think of this when I get bogged down by the daily grind and lifetime of varied programming fed by teachers, adults, and other influences that take me away from the true self. I ask "How could I have lived this day with more honesty?"The child in me would have been full of joy, wonder, and open eyes to each experience. Sometimes, this feels like the most impossible thing to do....

When you watch a child play and interact with another, it is pure and honest. I would love to have this level of comfort in my dealings with people....Sometimes I do, but often my relationships are based on views of myself in comparison to others. Children "Do" sometimes to a fault, with not consideration of the consequences. But if we are to extract this way of being, it could be very helpful for dealings in the adult world.

We grow up and all the challenges and responsibilities overcome our true selves. We worry about what we say and how things look. We often censor and dull out our true desires and passions in favor of some "status quo". (Seriously, who outlined this "status quo"?) Is this the inevitable conclusion of all humans as they age? What if being a fully realized adult meant living with these things while simultaneously reconnecting with what we were in essence when we were children? I'm still seeking a life that is both in the moment and able to handle the pressures of my life.

So what worked in the past?

It's weird I have been working toward this moment for a long time. I remember back to key moments in my life where I really became connected with truth and was living in harmony with what I thought were my principals.

France-I had an amazing moment where I began to eat locally home-grown foods, and was all about the purity of life. I ran daily, played on the French regional woman's soccer team, and did yoga daily. I transformed my mind more than anything and my body followed. I shocked my gym teacher at my French Lycee. What worked for me? Clean food, lots of veges and broths made from scratch...hiking, biking, soccer, running, yoga, oh and journal writing...

Eastern Townships- Quebec
I did a work exchange where I helped out at an Indian Ashram...We did yoga 3 times daily, hiking at night by moonlight to the sounds of Coyotes howling. I was fasting, eating lean meats (because the "guru" thought that this was right for my body type), veggies, no juices, grains, sugar, dairy....I could actually do a headstand at that time...I could stretch my body like a pretzel, and I felt amazing.

Italy-I really connected when I had a term paper due over Christmas and had to stay at my apartment during the holidays to work. I began to eat only organic, local foods, went for walks and sprints, meditated, did yoga at sunrise, and spent time wandering some local Bergamese farms among sheep and cows and horses....It was a painful time because I had a lot of stress and was away from my family, but it also revealed a lot about what I wanted for myself.

Fast-Forward to today....
Well, I have not been as successful with my weight loss, but I am learning that at the most healthy times in my life, I was eating what I know now as Intermittent Fasting and Paleo and doing a lot of outdoor exercise...I am truly happy and peaceful when I follow this mode of life....The challenge is how to integrate this with a fast-paced urban working lifestyle....I think I am slowly coming onto something.

Edit, Revise, Rewrite

I am trying to clean up my life. I always go through this every year. This year was particularly poignant because I am thinking about children and what I want for my future. I am sick of being in a state of flux. My house, my job, my health, and my creativity. 10 years have gone by and yes, I have changed, but I haven't made a great transformation. I haven't been open to real change. I have stayed quite safe.

I always said teaching would be for a while, and a decade has passed.
I always said I would live super healthy especially since 2005 when I wanted to transform my life and live authentically, and well, I haven't quite hit that note yet.

I fell upon an old letter to myself from last year about what I wanted for myself. Sadly only one or two things had come to fruition. I could blame all sorts of things, but I know that it is my own mental games, and belief systems that keep me locked into this life.

I am not going to resolve, rather I am going to change the tape, change the story, perhaps delete a few things, and rewrite some hard parts anew. I am not going to make any grand sweeping statements, I am just going to do....I am so tired of "waiting to do" or "planning to do"

2010..what's up?

Christmas was over, and wasn't too crazy, thank goodness. I managed to enjoy myself at the inlaws and not gorge myself too much. I felt different this year, because I was able to maintain some of my goals to stay healthy and happy at a time when there is so much gluttony and sadness all around. It is a very emotional time that I want to redefine in my adult life. I want this time of year to be about loving family and friends and enjoying company rather than seeing how much money and food and drink can be consumed in a 48 hour period.
As Christmas moves away for yet another year, I want to focus on becoming the person I think I am. I love to do vision boards to help me with this. Another good way of defining my year is to write out 100 things about you;who you are, what you want to do, how you want to be....
I found that my vision boards came out surprisingly on point, and the things that did not appear were due largely to my self-imposed limitations.
I think overall, I would like to be more generous of my time- to volunteer more time for causes I believe in. To be more authentically charitable. To find what I am passionate about and fight for it.
I feel that the work I do has become more authentic the more I let go and give of myself in the moment. I still can't help but wonder what more I could be doing because I work with children of privilege....Perhaps becoming more political about education is a way to go- or to return to education for furthering my career and clearly defining my interests.

Christmas is Coming...the goose is getting fat!

I could put a penny in the old man's hat...for all the times that I fail to make healthy choices during the holidays.

Please, please, please- I say to myself every year that I won't go overboard when I go to relative's houses and eat dinner. Luckily, I feel very determined this year. I am simply fed up of being, well fat. All things considered, I am pretty fit, but my weight is not at all what I want it to be.
It is frustrating, expensive and not to mention embarrassing when you work out like a crazy person and don't have the body to show for it. I know that this is solely due to my eating habits. I treat food like a long time friend. I have way too much emotional attachment to it- among other things. I need to crack this once and for all. My life deserves it, my loved ones deserve it..Dammit I deserve it!
I vow to eat clean this holiday. No way around it. I vow to let go of my addictions to yeast, sugar and dairy. I vow not to use food as a way to feel better when things seem tough. I am so much more than these reactions. I am so much stronger- so freaking strong, and I know that I can do this.

It is going to hurt a little. I am ready for it...bring it on!

The true spirit

I would like to think of myself as a generous person. Generous of my time and energy; in work, friendships, commitment to new things. But how generous am I really? Not very. I mean, I used to be, but as I came into the adult work lifestyle out of college, my reality overcame my ideals. Ideals of charity and social good. Political awareness and action. Standing by my convictions. Admitted, things are a bit of a fog these days. I am so lost in the daily grind and my own selfish needs that I do not listen to that part of me any more. I also don't really see things...poverty, suffering..I can get caught up in my life.

However, I do not like false kindness and seasonal charity. Even more than this, I want to slap people who think that they have a right to tell others how to live their life, even though they are the most selfish, self-absorbed, non-charitable people that I know. There is a saying that goes something like " people who quarrel and fight have the most to fear.Well something like that.

Christmas?

Sometimes I really wish that I could opt out of Christmas. I just find the whole thing kinda forced and artificial. I have a love/hate thing with it. I love to buy presents for others or spend times with friends. I don't love the crowds, the greed, the unrealistic expectations that family will somehow be closer than ever. Also, the fact that some people only show charity and kindness during this time of year- why not all the time? I love to surprise people for no reason in the middle of the year or have people over with no particular purpose but to simply be together.

Chrismakus

I wish I could make up a holiday where it was against my beliefs to shop and eat and do all the crazy things that seem to come this time of year. I want to rewrite the way I celebrate. Of course, this is probably easy for me because we don't have kids yet. I mean, our biggest debate this afternoon was whether or not to buy a tree- Kevin has already bought me my gift, and my gift to him will be picked up by the end of this week. Aside from that, it seems that things get simpler in our own personal celebrations. It gets a bit more complicated outside of the two of us.

Both families want us at their place for Christmas, and neither of us are very enthusiastic about consuming a weeks worth of calories on one day. It seems that you cannot leave your house without being bombarded with Christmas music, stressed out people, and images and ideas of what "celebrations" should look like. It is a load of crap- of course, I may just be a bit more cynical than usual this year.

Ever since I was a little girl, I didn't like Christmas. I wanted something more meaningful, but not necessarily religious in nature. Today, my idea of a great Christmas would be to go away or hole up in a cottage somewhere and enjoy reading, painting, nature, and those I love. Is this too much to ask? Hoping that this someday comes true.

Thank you end of the week!

This week has been rough. I ate enough chocolate to last me a couple of years, and was really down. I don't know what came first. This happens every year at this time. I have so much to do, so many expectations placed on me by family and work, I don't take time for myself. Finally this year, I cracked- I threw out the junk, I went to the gym and had the spin of the century with some guy just off a plane from military duty in Afghanistan. He was a big hunk of ripped, mean man candy.

I am all about making my muscles scream- sadistic? Maybe in some circles. I need that fix. No matter how tired and down or stressed I feel, a workout always seems to solve it all.

I really want to redefine the holidays with my family. So often it is about eating. This year I suggested going skiing- I was shocked when they agreed! We are not having junk in the house. I am just enjoying time with family, and saying no to the constant pressure to sit and eat for several days straight.

This week I want to go with the flow- easier said than done. It is the single most busy week of the school year. There are concerts, dinner, parties, p/t meetings, not to mention hyper excited children! I want to make this week my week of simplifying my diet, exercising whenever I can, and commit to give myself time to breathe.

Unfaithful

Why am I so committed in my public and professional life? I have a strong sense of responsibility and use integrity in the choices I make and actions I use, and yet- I am so unfaithful? I am so unfaithful to myself. My goals, desires and dreams often take a back seat to everyone else...and I don't even have kids yet!

I promise time and time again that I will use the right actions to nurture my lifestyle and body and yet I neglect myself over anonymous people's needs. How old do I need to be to learn that this is not healthy?

Finished Day one of p/t interviews and feel a strong need to continue my learning. I am interested in learning about the shifts in education in the past 10 years; trends, issues, methods....I feel a postgrad coming on! oh oh...this only spells money, money, money!

One thing that I have learned- children are different now. They are sophisticated and complex, and yet all their worldliness is still filtered through a child's eye. It is simply very complicated to address the modern child from a teaching perspective. Timing is everything, but so is content. Children want the point fast and relevant. At the same time, they are truly joyful when they have the room to linger over their work and enjoy the process unfettered by adult schedules and expectations. I think it is kinda hard to be a child in the world today.

I 'm tired, but don't want to end my day with wine and chocolate- again...ugh...

Day One Comes Over and Over Again

So I started blogging over 5 years ago, but my last blog got lost in the ether. Why blog?That was the problem I had then. I saw it as a self-centered, navel gazing activity with no purpose. Now I see differently, or maybe I just need the medium more than I did then.

My blog is about me- but I would like to see it as a self-reflective, journalistic exercise that is not necessarily meant for anyone but me. My main focus is health- this is a real focus for me right now, and has been a constant struggle to find throughout my life.

For the last 5 years I have enjoyed a more active life than in all my childhood and adolescent years combined and I love it! Love it! It is like church for me. My problem, my last frontier is to make the full change- healthy eating, healthy living space, healthy mind and of course, a healthy spirit. My motivations are to live a truthful life, and not try to be something for another person, but also to "clean shop" before the inevitable baby times....

I found Crossfit to fit the bill of my new lifestyle but after just under a year, I feel very new and uncoordinated, and well, not athletic at all. It challenges my physical as well as mental strength, and has led to interesting thoughts open larger questions, like what am I really doing of value? Am I staying true to my word?

So my goals from this day on are to :
Make the final leap into a completely healthy lifestyle, even if it means I lose a few people on the way.
Learn to value my efforts as real, but also be accountable and responsible for how I live my life
Use this as a journal of my thoughts, Ideas and findings on various topics