Easter Escapades-Just say no to Mock- Chocolate.

I always wonder why we do it...Because it is family....As I try to clean up my life, my relationships, my body and home, I am noticing that so much surrounding holidays and family get together s involves so many unhealthy habits. I want to rewrite how I spend time with my family during holidays....

First problem- I drove 800 km this weekend to see family for 8 hours....The stress and pain that came from that much driving (my back is killing me) really made me wonder the value of this act.

Second problem- the minute I get in the door- Easter bread and chocolates are offered. In my family it is considered an insult not to eat it. I didn't take it, and this makes family feel that I "don't love them".....This is a whole other topic.

Third problem- Going out with the in-laws to eat an Easter brunch. How come that every time there is a holiday brunch it involves so many unhealthy options....Not to mention it promotes overeating....There was a "carb table of hell" that was totally inedible in my opinion. There were no options that were not laden in fat, sugar, carbs....Basically I could only eat some cut up veggies and beef.

The most interesting realization that I came to is that it is o.k. to say no...It may feel uncomfortable for a moment, but people get used to it and the focus will go on to something new. Another thing that I concluded is that I love how I feel when I am eating healthy..I am actually craving this, even at times of celebration and relaxation- when I used to see these times as an excuse to eat crap.

Which way should I go?

I wrote that title as if I haven't decided, but I have already started on a different path. For me, it is very much about making up my mind to the core of who I am. But first I need to dissect some of my usual mind games. I could sum it up in two images- although not limited to this, it gives a pretty clear view of how I process various decisions.

On one side, there is the jolly-fuzzy-bunny who will be a great person to be around, but isn't particularly challenging or good for me. I see it as "the easy road". Everybody likes this person, but secretly, in my private moments, I am deeply disappointed with her. She doesn't take risks. She always chooses the comfortable road. She is stuck- cute and fuzzy-but stuck.

On the other side- there is She-ra-princess-of-power-inner-tiger-lady...I love this woman. She is intense though. I am not sure if she were fully realized that many people, including myself, could deal with her on a daily basis. She has a lot of aggression and strength. She can be a little bitchy...She is not always kind, but usually fights for anyone she sees as the underdog. This is not the prettiest side of my inner self, but it is my favorite. I truly want to explore this side because I think that "fuzzy-bunny" is often a mask for my true feelings.

Staying Motivated

So I have been going at this health change/renewal of self since late January.(how typical) One thing that I find is that some days are much, much harder than others. I have sought support in others, looked for unusual activities, articles, recipes to keep me interested. The real test comes on blah weekdays like this when I am verging on letting go, but know that I need to dig harder to find motivation to continue a healthy lifestyle.
A large part of my problem lies in negative thinking. When I make my mind up to do something it usually means that I am going to see it through, good or bad.
How do I continue on this journey? By digging harder to get past this feeling.
I am going to do some goal setting, and find some new points of focus. That is the point to be in the moment of a workout, but also to balance it with rest and good nutrition...and trust. Trust that with consistency, Right Mindset, Nutrition, Training and REST that it will all come together.....oh, and to stop hoping and just "act as if" I am already there!

Live Life Like the kid you were, not the adult you are....

It sounds cliche, but it is true that "all you know you learn in kindergarten". In working with children I see strong personality traits develop early on. Some developmental theorists state that the large majority of our social self develops in early childhood. I often think of this when I get bogged down by the daily grind and lifetime of varied programming fed by teachers, adults, and other influences that take me away from the true self. I ask "How could I have lived this day with more honesty?"The child in me would have been full of joy, wonder, and open eyes to each experience. Sometimes, this feels like the most impossible thing to do....

When you watch a child play and interact with another, it is pure and honest. I would love to have this level of comfort in my dealings with people....Sometimes I do, but often my relationships are based on views of myself in comparison to others. Children "Do" sometimes to a fault, with not consideration of the consequences. But if we are to extract this way of being, it could be very helpful for dealings in the adult world.

We grow up and all the challenges and responsibilities overcome our true selves. We worry about what we say and how things look. We often censor and dull out our true desires and passions in favor of some "status quo". (Seriously, who outlined this "status quo"?) Is this the inevitable conclusion of all humans as they age? What if being a fully realized adult meant living with these things while simultaneously reconnecting with what we were in essence when we were children? I'm still seeking a life that is both in the moment and able to handle the pressures of my life.

So what worked in the past?

It's weird I have been working toward this moment for a long time. I remember back to key moments in my life where I really became connected with truth and was living in harmony with what I thought were my principals.

France-I had an amazing moment where I began to eat locally home-grown foods, and was all about the purity of life. I ran daily, played on the French regional woman's soccer team, and did yoga daily. I transformed my mind more than anything and my body followed. I shocked my gym teacher at my French Lycee. What worked for me? Clean food, lots of veges and broths made from scratch...hiking, biking, soccer, running, yoga, oh and journal writing...

Eastern Townships- Quebec
I did a work exchange where I helped out at an Indian Ashram...We did yoga 3 times daily, hiking at night by moonlight to the sounds of Coyotes howling. I was fasting, eating lean meats (because the "guru" thought that this was right for my body type), veggies, no juices, grains, sugar, dairy....I could actually do a headstand at that time...I could stretch my body like a pretzel, and I felt amazing.

Italy-I really connected when I had a term paper due over Christmas and had to stay at my apartment during the holidays to work. I began to eat only organic, local foods, went for walks and sprints, meditated, did yoga at sunrise, and spent time wandering some local Bergamese farms among sheep and cows and horses....It was a painful time because I had a lot of stress and was away from my family, but it also revealed a lot about what I wanted for myself.

Fast-Forward to today....
Well, I have not been as successful with my weight loss, but I am learning that at the most healthy times in my life, I was eating what I know now as Intermittent Fasting and Paleo and doing a lot of outdoor exercise...I am truly happy and peaceful when I follow this mode of life....The challenge is how to integrate this with a fast-paced urban working lifestyle....I think I am slowly coming onto something.

Edit, Revise, Rewrite

I am trying to clean up my life. I always go through this every year. This year was particularly poignant because I am thinking about children and what I want for my future. I am sick of being in a state of flux. My house, my job, my health, and my creativity. 10 years have gone by and yes, I have changed, but I haven't made a great transformation. I haven't been open to real change. I have stayed quite safe.

I always said teaching would be for a while, and a decade has passed.
I always said I would live super healthy especially since 2005 when I wanted to transform my life and live authentically, and well, I haven't quite hit that note yet.

I fell upon an old letter to myself from last year about what I wanted for myself. Sadly only one or two things had come to fruition. I could blame all sorts of things, but I know that it is my own mental games, and belief systems that keep me locked into this life.

I am not going to resolve, rather I am going to change the tape, change the story, perhaps delete a few things, and rewrite some hard parts anew. I am not going to make any grand sweeping statements, I am just going to do....I am so tired of "waiting to do" or "planning to do"

2010..what's up?

Christmas was over, and wasn't too crazy, thank goodness. I managed to enjoy myself at the inlaws and not gorge myself too much. I felt different this year, because I was able to maintain some of my goals to stay healthy and happy at a time when there is so much gluttony and sadness all around. It is a very emotional time that I want to redefine in my adult life. I want this time of year to be about loving family and friends and enjoying company rather than seeing how much money and food and drink can be consumed in a 48 hour period.
As Christmas moves away for yet another year, I want to focus on becoming the person I think I am. I love to do vision boards to help me with this. Another good way of defining my year is to write out 100 things about you;who you are, what you want to do, how you want to be....
I found that my vision boards came out surprisingly on point, and the things that did not appear were due largely to my self-imposed limitations.
I think overall, I would like to be more generous of my time- to volunteer more time for causes I believe in. To be more authentically charitable. To find what I am passionate about and fight for it.
I feel that the work I do has become more authentic the more I let go and give of myself in the moment. I still can't help but wonder what more I could be doing because I work with children of privilege....Perhaps becoming more political about education is a way to go- or to return to education for furthering my career and clearly defining my interests.